Learning to like myself

Usually I blog about the other three women from Children’s Colorado, but as we near the end of the Colorado Diet, I feel compelled to share my transformational journey.

Drs. Hill and Wyatt chose me for this group as an add-on participant to blog about the program – I didn’t audition for it like the others. Although I knew I needed to lose some weight, I didn’t think I needed this diet.

Little did I know.

A few years back, I was in a serious relationship and over the course of our two years together, I not only traveled with him, shared holidays with him and moved in with him, I also gained 30 pounds. We broke up in February 2012 and I spent the next 18-plus months trying to find myself.

During that relationship, I didn’t know or like who I was, so I conformed to who I thought he wanted me to be; I subconsciously thought he would more readily validate myself than I could.

For those two years, I numbed my mind with TV and numbed my feelings with food. I made excuses for everything – why I couldn’t work out, why I couldn’t eat better, why I couldn’t self-start anything – and crashed anytime the other person showed distaste for these unattractive behaviors. At the time, it was easier to lash out at the world and blame others than it was to face the hard work of self-acceptance.

I look back at that relationship, and others I’ve had since, and see how lazily I looked to someone else to love me for me. But it is a simple truth: you must love yourself before anyone can love you back.  

This past November, I began to run. I always hated running and made excuses not to do it: I thought I had exercise-induced asthma, my side cramped, I was bored, I would start tomorrow. Even at the beginning of the diet, I couldn’t run more than half a mile outside.

Inspired by Dr. Wyatt’s love of getting uncomfortable, I started running outside with my friend Tess, who was a better, fitter runner than me. Week by week, we ran further and faster, and I felt myself growing stronger. By progressing through tough workouts, resisting excuses, turning consistently negative thoughts into thoughts of gratitude, and letting go of my need to control others, I began to like myself.

I started asking other friends to run, and even have started running on my own. For the first time I experienced the “runner’s high” and for the first time I feel strong enough to take on challenges, no matter how much I fear them.

In one week, I will turn 30, and on my birthday, I will register to run the San Francisco half marathon with Tess.

The last 13 weeks have changed my life in ways I never expected. I’ve lost 25 pounds, gained 11 lifelong friends and learned the most important life lesson: we must love ourselves so we can more deeply and unconditionally love others.

If you live in the Denver area and are interested in participating in a Colorado Diet class, check out new sessions beginning in January.

The end.

Everyone is worried about how this will turn out.

Even Julie – sweet, humble, disciplined Julie – who has led the group in total weight loss (30 pounds to date), is worried. Without class, homework, Drs. Hill and Wyatt, the positive attention from friends and family, what will keep her from returning to the way she was before?

We face all kinds of ends in our lives – breakups, moves, deaths, failures – and we worry about them because we fear a departure from our current happiness. We have come to believe positive feelings are the only ones of value.

Denise McGuire, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and behavior change specialist at the Anschutz Health and Wellness Center, spoke at the two most recent State of Slim classes to address this broad issue. She explained that emotions lie on a spectrum, with mortal embarrassment and elation, for example, on opposite ends. Many people are uncomfortable with feelings on the negative end of the spectrum (e.g. devastation, hopelessness, embarrassment) so they cut themselves off from feeling them.

In doing so, they also cut themselves off from the other end of the spectrum. By numbing the extreme emotions, you narrow your range so much that after awhile, you don’t feel much of anything.

Dr. McGuire speculated that many or all of us have struggled with weight because we adopted unhealthy behaviors to avoid negative emotions; so many of us spend our entire lives striving for everything to be better than it is right now. So we continue to eat (or smoke or drink or gamble) and lasting happiness continues to elude us.

But what if we loosen our grip on negative emotions and let them enfold us? What if we allow ourselves to feel uncomfortable and just let it pass? What if we become grateful for the presence of negative emotions? Could we then accept the moments before us, as they are?

Maybe then we could stop those numbing/escapism behaviors anytime something feels hard.

This is emotional resiliency, choosing to be okay with imperfect moments, and it is the key to our long-term success and long-term contentment.

Back in October, Julie went to Breckenridge to celebrate her birthday with her family. Traditionally, the family would walk the picturesque Main Street and stop at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory for sweets. This year, the family still went to the candy store and everyone but Julie indulged. Instead of pitying herself for not being able to join in, she savored the moment for what it was. She soaked in the beautiful mountain surroundings, breathed in the smell of sweet chocolate, let her diet-compliant coffee warm her hands, and savored the joy on her children’s faces.

Who needed chocolate in a moment as delightful as this?*

A change is coming our way in just a few weeks, but if we all remember to savor moments as Julie did, to appreciate what is before us instead of trying to make it better or fearing what’s ahead, we will be just fine.

*(Of course, a little chocolate every now and then is acceptable, but it’s important to savor the taste, and not use it to fill a void or escape a feeling).

If you’re in the Denver area and are interested in mind and body therapies, call the Wellness Center at 303-724-9030.