Learning to like myself

Usually I blog about the other three women from Children’s Colorado, but as we near the end of the Colorado Diet, I feel compelled to share my transformational journey.

Drs. Hill and Wyatt chose me for this group as an add-on participant to blog about the program – I didn’t audition for it like the others. Although I knew I needed to lose some weight, I didn’t think I needed this diet.

Little did I know.

A few years back, I was in a serious relationship and over the course of our two years together, I not only traveled with him, shared holidays with him and moved in with him, I also gained 30 pounds. We broke up in February 2012 and I spent the next 18-plus months trying to find myself.

During that relationship, I didn’t know or like who I was, so I conformed to who I thought he wanted me to be; I subconsciously thought he would more readily validate myself than I could.

For those two years, I numbed my mind with TV and numbed my feelings with food. I made excuses for everything – why I couldn’t work out, why I couldn’t eat better, why I couldn’t self-start anything – and crashed anytime the other person showed distaste for these unattractive behaviors. At the time, it was easier to lash out at the world and blame others than it was to face the hard work of self-acceptance.

I look back at that relationship, and others I’ve had since, and see how lazily I looked to someone else to love me for me. But it is a simple truth: you must love yourself before anyone can love you back.  

This past November, I began to run. I always hated running and made excuses not to do it: I thought I had exercise-induced asthma, my side cramped, I was bored, I would start tomorrow. Even at the beginning of the diet, I couldn’t run more than half a mile outside.

Inspired by Dr. Wyatt’s love of getting uncomfortable, I started running outside with my friend Tess, who was a better, fitter runner than me. Week by week, we ran further and faster, and I felt myself growing stronger. By progressing through tough workouts, resisting excuses, turning consistently negative thoughts into thoughts of gratitude, and letting go of my need to control others, I began to like myself.

I started asking other friends to run, and even have started running on my own. For the first time I experienced the “runner’s high” and for the first time I feel strong enough to take on challenges, no matter how much I fear them.

In one week, I will turn 30, and on my birthday, I will register to run the San Francisco half marathon with Tess.

The last 13 weeks have changed my life in ways I never expected. I’ve lost 25 pounds, gained 11 lifelong friends and learned the most important life lesson: we must love ourselves so we can more deeply and unconditionally love others.

If you live in the Denver area and are interested in participating in a Colorado Diet class, check out new sessions beginning in January.